When you first start dating someone new, everything is exciting and wonderful. Romance fills the air as you build rapport and look forward to the next cute thing he/she will do. Yet, sooner or later, you will encounter a bump or two on your blissful path of love.
Not to worry. Hitting a rough spot is actually a good thing because it strengthens your relationship determining whether or not it can deepen and grow. When faced with the first misunderstanding, shift into observation mode, because this is a time rich with information about your long-term compatibility. Here are some things to watch for when you encounter a rough patch: How does your partner react when you bring a matter of concern to his/her attention? Is there defensiveness? Anger? Deflection? Concern? Does your partner withdraw, stay with it, or prefer handling the discussion in small doses?Are solutions offered and suggestions made with a genuine feeling of trying to work things out? Do you achieve any kind of resolution? Are apologies offered if appropriate?Is the conversation constructive or does it deteriorate into name-calling and blame?Of course, your own reaction is just as important. How do you handle confrontation? Many clients have come to me for advice regarding their relationships and partners. Is he still in contact with other women met during his search for me?Hes always late picking me up. Should I say something?Will she be able to spend enough time with me so Ill feel like a priority?These questions are what I have termed the Hard Questions. Asking questions like these builds an honest relationship with open communication. To develop a healthy, long-term partnership, a willingness to discuss concerns is one of the most important skills youll need. Even though asking could ruffle a few feathers, the cost of NOT asking may leave the issue eating away at you and dramatically limit the truth, openness, and growth potential of your relationship. Everyone handles conflict in his or her own way. And of course, word choice is important, tone of voice is critical, and timing is everything. But, my advice is: Never avoid asking the hard questions. Avoiding them will not guarantee smooth waters or a relationship that remains in intact.
Lets look at an example. Warren is worried that Shellys intensely busy schedule doesnt leave enough room for him. A romantic guy with a warm heart, Warren likes to spend a good deal of time with a woman hes dating to share life experiences and get to know each other well.
Warren feels Shellys numerous interests may make it difficult for her to give him the amount of attention that will satisfy him. His solution was to wait and see what happens. But does that really serve him?
Instead, Warren could simply bring up his preference in conversation. He could say how much he enjoys spending time with Shelly and would like to get to know her better. Letting Shelly know what he wants can only work in Warrens favor.
First, Shelly will gain important information shes now aware that Warren is really interested and wants to spend more time with her. Second, she can make the choice of devoting more time to the relationship, reply that she cant oblige him, or even come up with a compromise. Third, Warren no longer has to guess if Shelly is willing or capable of meeting his needs. And last, they will both have a chance to observe how each person handles a rough spot.
By asking the hard question, Warren honors his own needs, learns about Shellys feelings, discovers how she reacts, and begins building the foundation for future discussions. He can put this issue to rest and start to relax, which might naturally draw Shelly closer to him, as well deepening the bond between them.
If you want to improve your chances for a healthy relationship, be brave enough to ask the hard questions. At worst, youll realize youre wasting time with a person who cant meet your needs and free yourself up to find someone better. On the positive side, you will strengthen your relationship and take care of yourself simultaneously. Fred and Ginger didnt become fabulous dance partners without lots of practice. Why not give your relationship the same opportunity? |
