I am an idiot. All she wanted was for me to get my act together and I was too stupid to understand what that meant. That meant, I love you. I have chosen you as my mate. I am willing to spend the rest of my life with you. Bare your children, raise a family, watch it grow. I will be yours forever, if you just show me what I need to see. Show me that you will take care of me. Show me that you can play your role as a man and I will play my role as your woman as long as we both shall live. I did not play my role. This is not the first time I have done this. There was another before this and she told me the same thing. I felt sorry for myself then and watched as she married another. I have this dream that I have been chasing for some time. Because of this dream and needing to chase it just so, I have watched two women that I love walk away from me shaking their heads. They both told me they would leave. They all but pleaded with me to change my ways. I convinced myself that they were trying to change me. I believed that if I did not do it my way, while I had nothing, it would not be as genuine. I thought I needed to struggle to be happy and gain everything out of the experience. I did nothing. I wrote several items, but did nothing with them. I was waiting for some magical person to read everything and discover me. I was this amazing writer, someone had to see that. I could take them on this ride with me, if they could just wait until I figured out how this dream would come true. My patience level has been for too strong. I told both these girls that I knew I could win the lottery if they just waited for someone to hand me the winning ticket. I have taken no initiative, shown no ambition to even go buy a losing ticket. I have just expected them to believe in me and "someday" I would take care of them. What have I done to make them believe that? I doubt that either questioned my love. I know they could see in my eyes how much I loved them. They needed me to show them the one other part they were looking for. I did not play my role. I had nothing to offer other than love. I am articulate, presentable, intelligent in other areas and everyone knows that I have the ability and tools to be anything I want to be. But at this point, that's it. I have done nothing to prove it. I have a great family that has supported me through a lot of bad dreams. I have done everything to push them away and all they do is attract more people to me. But she already had all of that. She has her good family. She has her intelligence and presentability. She is using her tools to be the person that will attract the type of person I could be. It goes back to when boys are boys and girls are girls. Our lives start out with these responsibilities. A mother shows her son the way a woman should be treated and take care of her family. He watches her do this and he begins to develop the structure that will represent what he wants someday. Girls are the same way. Their fathers are their heroes and when they go look for a man, they look for that feeling. They want a hero who is going to take care of them and relieve their crazy minds. In return they will love you and keep you from becoming that crazy. It's a trade off and there is only so long that they can feel comfortable with how much you love them. You have a role to play. I had a role to play. I did not play my role. I have every ability to do any task I put my mind to. I fell in love with a girl who loved me. She convinced me of it. Proved it to me time and time again. I took that love and repaid it with nothing. The end was the worst part. I took her trust, her personal dignity, her precious moments with me and I threw them in her face. I threatened to humiliate her in a way that is unforgivable. All because I saw that she had taken all that she could take. She was at the end of her rope and I had nothing else to fight with. So I went to a place I knew I could never return. Some things can be forgiven, but they can never be forgotten. I know that if we ever found a way to reconcile, it would forever be a shadow in the background. I have never been more regretful of anything I have done to someone I love. It remained a threat and nothing was taken further. But by mentioning it, by thinking it, I had crossed a line I never thought I would see. I killed her love because I could not watch her walk away. I am an idiot. I know what I have to do now. Both women are tremendous in their own ways. I love them both for their similarities as well as their differences. They both made me feel like the sun was shining on me heavier than any other person I have met. So the template is set. I can not imagine having so much as a friendship with a girl right now. But that will end eventually and I will know what I want. There is a lot I need to do in the meantime. Until I find the pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, it is only a rainbow and they disappear with the rain. The next time I am feeling like this it will be for different reasons and several years down the road. So guys and I know I am not the only one who has been here, it's time to step up to the plate. I know I am ready. I have spent too much time telling everyone how well I can hit the ball. It is time to step up to the plate. I may not hit the ball out of the park on the first pitch, but I will get on base. I will hit the ball and I will play the game. I have spent all this time asking myself why this is happening to me. I should have been thanking them for showing me. I am an idiot and I'm sick of it. |
